Dramatis Personae:
Salman Khan I
as Yuvraj Vijay Singh
Salman Khan II
as Prem Dilwala
Sonam Kapoor
as Rajkumari Maithili
Anupam Kher
as Diwan
Niel, Nitin,
and Mukesh
as Ajay
Reptile Arman Kohli
as Human
Swara Bhaskar
as Chandrika or everybody's sister ***
Scene 1
Prem: I love Ram. I want to marry Sita. But Prem is my lucky name so Sonam Kapoor will be called Maithili.
Maithili: Hi i am an independent woman. Only I take my money from my Grandma and want to marry a prince for more money.
Prem: I want to put 143.75 rupees in maithili's NGO fund so imma go to Pritampur estate, yay! ***
Scene 2
Yuvraj: Am tha prince. Tradition only. I like money and boiled food.
Chandrika: I am the step sister from the second mama. I want some money and some more money and the whole duckin' (sorry, autocorrect) palace.
Ajay: Hi, i am the step brother from the third mama. I want to kill the yuvraj so that people can notice me in the movie ***
Scene Minus 1
Maharaja: Hey i am the daddy. Imma build a palace on a waterfall without any security or rescue system where my kids can play and die ***
Scene 3
Yuvraj: I will go to my sister and convince her to live in the palace 'cause we are a Sooraj Barjatya family.
Chandrika: Either give me money or duck off.
Yuvraj: Please
Chandrika: duck off
(5 minutes later)
Yuvraj: Oh motherducka who sabotaged my carriage i'm dying
(yuvraj escapes death) ***
Scene 4
Prem: gonna take gujhiya for princess Maithili.
Yuvraj's Servant: Oh you look JUUUUST like the yuvraj! time for some fun.
Diwan: You'll play the yuvraj, Prem, till he gets better. But remember to not have sex with Maithili. ***
Scene 5
Maithili: Wanna have sex with ya
Prem: Can't
Maithili: Please
Prem: I got a boner but I really can't
Maithili: k write something on my back with this feather
Prem: (writes)
Maithili: O god awesome I'm done
Prem: Me too ***
Scene 6
Prem (playing the yuvraj): sissy please take this washing machine n come home
Chandrika: I can get that on EMI motherducka, gimme the palace
Prem: k chill keep the palace ***
Scene 7
Maithili: prem ratan dhan payo
Chorus: payo
Maithili:prem ratan dhan payo
Chorus: payo
(5 minutes later)
Sick yuvraj kidnaped by Ajay and taken to glass palace. ***
Scene 8 
Yuvraj: I am angry n gonna kill everybody.
Prem: Pls bro they're your siblings.
Yuvraj: OMG yea *cries* ***
Scene 9
Diwan: Prem is not yuvraj. don't go by the face, the essentials are different.
Maithili: But I put on my short dress n m so horny does anyone care? ***
Scene 10
Maithili: I will marry prem
Prem: But why?
Maithili: Cos he's clean shave n likes chhole bhature :-*
Prem: But I'm not royal!
Chandrika: Here i'll put the tilak now you're royal too, yay!
Maithili: Yay I can have sex finally! *** (And Maithili spends the rest of her life sleeping with the right face.)
Salman Khan I as Yuvraj Vijay Singh
Salman Khan II as Prem Dilwala
Sonam Kapoor as Rajkumari Maithili
Anupam Kher as Diwan
Niel, Nitin, and Mukesh as Ajay
Reptile Arman Kohli as Human
Swara Bhaskar as Chandrika or everybody's sister *** Scene 1 
Prem: I love Ram. I want to marry Sita. But Prem is my lucky name so Sonam Kapoor will be called Maithili.
Maithili: Hi i am an independent woman. Only I take my money from my Grandma and want to marry a prince for more money.
Prem: I want to put 143.75 rupees in maithili's NGO fund so imma go to Pritampur estate, yay! *** Scene 2 
Yuvraj: Am tha prince. Tradition only. I like money and boiled food.
Chandrika: I am the step sister from the second mama. I want some money and some more money and the whole duckin' (sorry, autocorrect) palace.
Ajay: Hi, i am the step brother from the third mama. I want to kill the yuvraj so that people can notice me in the movie *** Scene Minus 1
Maharaja: Hey i am the daddy. Imma build a palace on a waterfall without any security or rescue system where my kids can play and die *** Scene 3
Yuvraj: I will go to my sister and convince her to live in the palace 'cause we are a Sooraj Barjatya family.
Chandrika: Either give me money or duck off.
Yuvraj: Please
Chandrika: duck off (5 minutes later) 
Yuvraj: Oh motherducka who sabotaged my carriage i'm dying
(yuvraj escapes death) *** Scene 4
Prem: gonna take gujhiya for princess Maithili.
Yuvraj's Servant: Oh you look JUUUUST like the yuvraj! time for some fun. 
Diwan: You'll play the yuvraj, Prem, till he gets better. But remember to not have sex with Maithili. *** Scene 5 
Maithili: Wanna have sex with ya
Prem: Can't
Maithili: Please
Prem: I got a boner but I really can't
Maithili: k write something on my back with this feather
Prem: (writes)
Maithili: O god awesome I'm done
Prem: Me too *** Scene 6 
Prem (playing the yuvraj): sissy please take this washing machine n come home
Chandrika: I can get that on EMI motherducka, gimme the palace
Prem: k chill keep the palace *** Scene 7 
Maithili: prem ratan dhan payo
Chorus: payo
Maithili:prem ratan dhan payo
Chorus: payo (5 minutes later)
Sick yuvraj kidnaped by Ajay and taken to glass palace. *** Scene 8 
Yuvraj: I am angry n gonna kill everybody.
Prem: Pls bro they're your siblings.
Yuvraj: OMG yea *cries* *** Scene 9
Diwan: Prem is not yuvraj. don't go by the face, the essentials are different. 
Maithili: But I put on my short dress n m so horny does anyone care? *** Scene 10
Maithili: I will marry prem
Prem: But why?
Maithili: Cos he's clean shave n likes chhole bhature :-*
Prem: But I'm not royal! 
Chandrika: Here i'll put the tilak now you're royal too, yay!
Maithili: Yay I can have sex finally! *** (And Maithili spends the rest of her life sleeping with the right face.)
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